wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
