is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
