I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
