I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
we should paint friendship bongs
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