Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
