She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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