Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize