On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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