if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
