Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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