I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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