Yo dont text me then not text me
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
