we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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