I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
