Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
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There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
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He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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