Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
