ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
