I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
