I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
