Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
