Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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