Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
