no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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