Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
