I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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