I'm gonna have a badass scar
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
