I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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