your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
