you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
