Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
