i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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