Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
