no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
