the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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