My liver just broke up with me...
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
