It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Randomize
