Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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