rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
