first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Well I just put wine in my tea
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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