Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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