It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
