I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
