im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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