ya dads aren't the best wingmen
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
