The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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