Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Operation Purity has been aborted
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I wear drunk well.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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