If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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