Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
