he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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