I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she peed on how many people?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm like, not good at living.
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