You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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