Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
