I CAN MOONWALK!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
