Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It's never too late to be topless.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
