I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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