Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Randomize
